It’s April 10th, so that means another grace post! Since it’s a new month, April’s grace themes on the 10th, 20th, and 30th will start with letter A. In honor of being (nearly) halfway through with spelling out g – r – a – c – e, I’m shaking up today’s format, mainly focused on asking questions, hoping to find grace within the answers.
Do I have agency?
As a proud working womxn and feminist, I am a firm believer in agency, or my ability to make changes, ripples, and innovations in my life.
1 year ago to the day, I began reclaiming my agency. I told my partner at the time, “This time next year, I might be in Colorado.”
When I broke up with him, I tried to do so gracefully. He was my best friend, the father to our senior pup Woody, my only companion during the pandemic. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but I wanted change, because that meant I’d keep discovering more about myself and the world.
And while I indeed moved to Colorado nearly 9 months ago, it’s been a journey of relearning who I am, with (mostly) new people, but mainly in my own company.
An INFJ, I usually enjoy independence, but navigating new positions, people, and places in Colorado takes time, grace, and self-compassion.
Does aloneness offer acceptance?
In 2021, when I made that change, I trusted the universe to allow a new course for my life; I just had to be open to unforeseen changes.
I accepted a home in Aurora, Colorado with 2 wonderful friends from college AND a new marketing position at a school in Denver. (This amazing story is so full of attracting good energy, I may post about it later!)
By being alone with myself, I felt free to ask what I wanted, change. Despite having only visited Colorado once, in 2017, with that very person, I trusted the 2021 answers because Colorado felt right. Both then and now, Coloradans have been quick to befriend.
And now, in 2022, I continue to find people, including a loving, compassionate new boyfriend. But I still need time to be alone, to work on myself, as well as my goals for the year, such as publishing and exploring new places (such as the pictured trail from today’s run). And this time by myself allows me to ask the universe, and myself, a lot of questions:
Am I accepting who I am?
Am I loving myself (even when I choose to do NOTHING because Colorado's been an awesome adventure, but it's still new and even overwhelming sometimes)?
Have I forgiven myself for when I didn't give grace, such as isolating, instead of sharing when I wasn't content?
Am I authoring acceptance or a different story?
I am learning that self-acceptance means I may not please everyone. That is not my job. When I am faced with change or a new decision, I am trying to check in with myself first. Loving and accepting myself means being open to grace, like boundaries for alone time or 1:1 time.
When I am alone, I am reminded that I am indeed the author of my story. Including quite literally. I want to accomplish something big: I want to write a book.
I’ve wanted to publish since 13, when my scribbles resulted in a book, bound by loose-leaf paper. And if Kaylie of 16(!) years ago can write, so can I.
I see my name on a book spine. The publication is part bio, part journal, so that readers can choose to participate. Grid paper on the side of each page gives space to write notes, design charts, and/or work on goals.
perfect name: Coffee Story!
Does the universe offer accountability?
I am holding myself accountable to my goal of writing a book, but the universe might have other plans. My habit, henceforth, will be publishing book drafts/ideas every Wednesday on my blog, starting April 13th.
But I want to do this gracefully, in a non-isolated way. I will be asking for help when I don’t know what’s next or when writer’s block comes knocking. I’ve held onto the untrue story of “I’m alone” for far too long. I KNOW this bio/journal will require others’ opinions, as the book is about making habits that stick by leading a goal-oriented, value-driven life.
I bet you, dear reader, have maintained, sustained, and drained some goals, even if you don’t know it yet. If you practice New Year’s resolutions, Lent, or regular grinds like creating or working out, you have done habit work. If you’d like, share some with me by commenting on this post!
Colorado has given me some wonderful spaces for self-work (such as the pictured coffee shop) but I am asking the universe for help, especially when I fall into go-go-go mentality or my tendency of people-pleasing. I am asking the universe for grace. I am grateful for friends and colleagues who care and get it, like a boyfriend with a master’s degree in creative writing.
I am learning how to let go, hold on, and change my story. I know some people may not like me. But maybe they’re too busy living their own lives. That’s a very different story! The universe IS full of truth like this. I just need to see it. And try to love those people anyway.
I am unafraid of my changing story, letting love be the source of everything I do. As the author of my (mental and physical) story, I hold onto this truth. And that truth is full of goodness, light, and grace.
I hope you can start shaping and sharing your story, too. Even if that means changes, this is so worthwhile for yourself and the world. As my colleague Ashley said this week, “do it for the plot”. What plot points can you control? What stories, habits, or people are you (re)claiming? Feel free to answer here, and see you this Wednesday, April 13th for my first post on #WIP book drafting, or on April 20th for the next A of grace.