How do I give grace when I’m alone?

For the last 3 months, I’ve written about grace on the 10th, 20th, and 30th, but it feels much longer since my last post. Maybe because tonight’s post is especially vulnerable. But grace requires honest reflection, and so I am giving space to my feelings below. If they help you release or feel heard, all the better. Thanks for reading. Know that you are loved, your feelings are valid, and you matter.

Giving grace to anxiety and athleticism

Over the last few days, I’ve felt the weight of stress, a mound on my right side. I wore this ache on my belly, but I often carry it on my shoulder. I did not eat for an entire day, save for a few crackers. I’ve woken up in sweat, the light still on, three times this week. And while it’s tough to write about, it’s the truth.

Whether it was a belly ache or anxiety, it helped me see what I’m holding:

• I am scared COVID’s rising again
• I am terrified the world’s on the verge of another war
• I am nervous about my relationships, especially how I show up
• I am fearful I am not doing enough
• I am conflicted that my beliefs are changing
• I am worried about time, all the time
• I was anxious my college and work wouldn’t hit our fundraising goals
• I was apprehensive of sharing these anxieties online
• I am frustrated by my self-image

And I’d love to say that my anxieties are healed, gone. But that is not the case. Giving space to worry helps me see that I am not perfect (nor have I claimed to be). But I hope by sharing, I can let anxiety go, a little.

And so I am beginning to recognize what of those anxieties I can control. For starters, I can control when to share, and when not to. Taking my time to write this list took grace… Actually posting it took courage.

But after a day of stomach pain, I was finally ready to run again. It was one of the windiest days this spring. I chose thigh-high socks and a familiar trail, choosing grass over concrete. The whips of wind brushed against my belly, releasing some of the tension I’ve carried. The wind’s resistance forced me to enjoy the stretches without it, and I used adrenaline to run faster. I ran until I couldn’t, finding a waterfall to sit and soak in the sun (pictured). The sun poured grace all over me.

I run because it is freedom: from anxiety, from deadlines, from screens, from talking. Running is familiar yet foreign territory, a moving meditation. It is graceful, too.

I run nearly every day now, and that makes me feel proud.

Giving grace to accomplishments and aloneness

I am learning to separate my worth from work. I am more than I do. I am SO MUCH more than what I’ve done, past tense, especially resume builders like camp and college.

I am focusing on the present. I am actively working on how roles and relationships make me feel. And honestly? I am most proud to be protecting myself, reserving my energy more for alone time. And that’s okay.

• I am happy that I read almost every day now
• I feel satisfied to stick to writing grace posts every 10 days (even though these are hard, require multiple drafts, and are often emotional)
• I love I’ve returned to running just for its own sake
• I am grateful I can meditate for an hour and not worry about the time
• I am learning when to answer the phone
• I am honored these posts are for me, but I am grateful when people comment without telling me because that means something resonated
• I am amazed to have people who love me here
• I hope to continue learning, about myself, graphic design, creative and technical writing, and social sciences
• I am becoming the person I want to be and graciously showing up for her

In all of this self-work, I am beginning to see patterns. I used to stuff nearly every single day full of activities. And when I think back on those days, I see the old self-talk, focused on external accomplishments. But because I was so focused on the output, I sometimes forgot to check-in on how it made me feel.

And so, little by little, I am now saying, “no” to activities that don’t feel right, like movie nights or phone calls. By preserving my energy, I’m giving myself grace. As an introvert, that is self-care.

Another pattern I’m giving grace to? I’ve learned that I use routine as a means of escapism. That may seem contradictory, but I realize that I lost whim when routines, such as daily cardio, were for some arbitrary goal like step count.

Now I am loosening expectations for my schedule, and that self-awareness is full of grace. I’d rather enjoy the run, including spending time sitting in the sun, than have the fastest time. Or on an adventure, I’d rather find the perfect restaurant by happenstance, than what a search engine told me. I’d rather be alone than pretend or be “on.” I am working on myself.

I am scared to share this online, but I know it’s honest. Truth is sometimes scarier than facts, and I know my truths: I am capable, I do hard things, and I am more than anxious thoughts and feelings. I am giving and receiving grace, kindness, and love. The world is giving grace, too.

Whether you’re alone, anxious, and/or feel accomplished, I hope you see grace today.