Welcome back to my meditations on “inner compass”, my word for 2023! On the 10th of every month, I’m sharing different thoughts from each letter within these 2 words. We’re halfway through the year, so today is brought to you by the letter C of inner compass. Read on for some courageous sharing on personal changes (such as my body/career/relationship), finding clarity, staying curious, and attempting confidence.
An inner compass recognizes when to make changes.
I’m closing out my second year in Colorado, and I recognize that summer is a key reason why I stay in the state. It’s not just me; there are changes to people’s temperaments, too. We collectively celebrate the hopeful sun, as Mama Nature has given ample rain, and now it’s time for porch sits and people watching (my current activity as I prepare to publish this very piece), extended weekends to go camping and hiking and swimming, and infinite concerts. I’m volunteering at Levitt again for a few outdoor shows, including Fishbone, Violent Femmes, Devotchka, and Izcalli, and it has been a mood booster for customers and me. I’m confident, a little more extroverted, and often dancing my way to the front row after a shift.
With the sunshine comes chances to get sun-kissed, and two summer changes include a bird tattoo for one of my abuelas and a new fiery hairstyle. These are crafty, welcome changes to my body and confidence. The tat was a long time coming, as a way to celebrate Birdie Grandma, and the hair is a celebratory contrast to Marissa’s air/water hair, since her wedding’s next week! Coincidentally, the bird also represents a line from The National’s “Fake Empire”, a favorite band for Marissa and me (read some more of my National obsession: Singing Grace’s Song All Year Long).
And yet in these celebrations and changes, my self-esteem is wavering. I’m trying to honor my newfound hips. Now in my 30s, I’m grappling with this change. Just because I’m physically child-rearing age doesn’t mean I’m mentally or emotionally there. A shift to some curves is something to embrace. My body still carries me, fueled by plants, black coffee, and minimal alcohol, and I am tough, able to run 6-minute miles. But there are bigger changes beyond my body, too. Recognizing my inner compass, I have found myself giving check-ins to see where my head, heart, body, and soul stay, move, and change. And so I am seeking clarity.
An inner compass cuts to the core to find (or create) clarity.
There is so much to embrace emotionally, too, and I am confounded by these truths: I have survived many bleak, painful, grieving, and dissociated moments over the last 12, even 24 months. There were times when even coffee, one of my essential little joys, didn’t slap. When I look at photos from the last 2 years, I sometimes see selfies with sad eyes and can recognize that this lingering anxiety is part of me. My core was shook, as I could not comprehend life without Pancake Grandma, Woody, or even my old workplace shutting down within months of me moving.
Over the last year, such loss showed me that some changes are outside of my control, and I have learned to accept these passings. Grief lingers. And so I challenged (and still challenge) myself to see what, who, and where remain(ed). An inner compass searches for clarity of what to do, where to go, and who to tag along with or invite. While my confidence is an ongoing process, I value courage, and that includes how I show up here. So, I’m thrilled to share that I’ve found some clarity on (professional) purpose:
- I want to study information science to help people share their and others’ stories and voices, thus making the world more inclusive. I recognize inequities in accessibility and open to the task of diversity!
- I want to finish writing my book to show life is a combination of reactions and actions, and opportunity cost is one way to sort it all and do something (creative/empowering) as a result.
- I want to use this website as a space for maker marketing so creatives have places to promote and celebrate themselves, without feeling icky, competitive, or lost.
I can now see a big picture of what my (and others’) life can look like, as my potential graduate degree in information science can lead to empathy and education for more people. Data-backed practices will inform my future information role(s), just as research influences my current positions. Curiously, these big picture ideas above can look like little shifts to the day-to-day work, too. One change? I will be transitioning to part-time at the school I work for, to give space for the graduate degree, as well as some summer savoring.
While it might seem like ample changes in such a short time, they are in fact murky, uncertain transitions. These shifts are neither completely solidified nor chronological. It took me a long time by myself and with others who know me deeply to consider how my future goals and passions complement (and sometimes contrast!) current functions and financials. And I’m 30: It’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve been at school, and by the time I finish this degree, a decade will have passed between undergrad and grad. I truly believe everyone’s on their own path, and so I am working to honor my own process. And so I try to remain hopeful, steadfast to my goals, and honest with myself.
An inner compass requires compassion, curiosity, and courage.
Taking care of myself means seeing what’s serving and recognizing what I can change. And while I genuinely love the idea of work as a trade of my time for compensation, it’s not that simple. There are other resources being used, and relationships and connections to consider, too. My current marketing path consumes ample energy. Grinding matters, for any position, but I especially find value when I know the intent/goals, the context, and the potential community impact/s (both big and small). And it takes courage to ask these tough questions, internally and externally.
Learning more about myself, work can keep me curious, but I also crave multiple roles, from resume editing to coaching to dog sitting, so I can fill my brain and bucket. While that sounds sunshiny, it’s occasionally tiring. Sometimes, it hurts to realize marketing isn’t enough, financially, mentally, and emotionally. After a decade of marketing across multiple roles, I now know with certainty this isn’t a sustainable path for me. Marketing’s inherently competitive, sometimes exhausting, often isolating, and so based on company. Information science, my anticipated graduate program, will give me clarity (and experiences, connections, and knowledge) on more paths that are adjacent to marketing, such as public communications. Perhaps you’ll see me WORKING for a library or museum. Or, it has potential to lead to something I’ve always wanted, public media.
I’m trying to listen to my inner child, and she’s saying, do what you love. I project and direct confidence to this career change because I’m listening to her. Child Kaylie and Adolescent Kaylie loved Saturday afternoons at the library with Grandma. Public media with Arthur shaped my weekdays (have you read my gratitude letter to that aardvark?). And I have compassion for Adult Kaylie because I am still doing good work but taking my time, seeing how I can continue learning, thus forging a nonlinear yet courageous purpose.
An inner compass removes the unessentials, so to make room for the potentials, companions, and conditions for contemplation.
Books were my friends long before I made any companions, but I am so grateful to have had friends and fam along the way to actualize and articulate my goals. While Colorado has sometimes been lonely, there are some communities of caring. My roommates have become another family. My boyfriend revels in my curiosity and is just as awestruck by the cosmos as I am. Co-volunteers and some colleagues consistently check-in. And I’m partnering with a host of creatives, as both colleagues and potential clients. Outside of Colorado, too, people check in: Thank you to Cathy from church, my fam Emily and David, college folks Leighanne, Elly, Brooke, and Allie, and my longtime bestie Marissa for being my people!
It’s a welcome change to date a fellow introvert, as he and I can come together 2-3 times every week but also give space for solitude. With such time by myself, I am learning to soak in my alone time, whether I’m writing, running, working independently, or reading (yep, unicorn time is still a thing). I recently realized my opinion and his are far more interesting and valuable than the greater populace’s thoughts. Similarly, I’ve realized I have been given the gift of space as my ex took back the writing chair. I find myself enjoying the empty space, to write, lay on the floor reading, or work on abs. Just because something was once taking up so much space of my bedroom doesn’t mean it’ll be instantly filled. (That’s the work in progress minimalist talking!) Focusing on my values, I crave space and time as essentials. Perhaps that’s how I receive love, through quality time with my people, alone time with my thoughts, and just more time and space to savor.
I really contemplated sharing all of this today because I’ve spent so much time in my head, and there are ample conditions, uncertainties, and resources. Not just time, but these changes cost the resources of energy and money. This degree is expensive, and the hair and tattoo weren’t free either. I trust my grinding will not just fuel and fund but help me keep make meaning (my tattoo artist shared she tries to make art and money, and I think that’s a profound, honest look at making a living via creativity). I also hope I don’t lose my energy and fortitude and keep showing up.
I remain hopeful in these potentials, recognizing my worth isn’t just my appearance/career paths/relationship/words. I will continue to make changes, but I am ultimately listening to myself, the inner compass! Phew. If you have thoughts or feelings about your year or goals, or mine, I’d love to hear them. Are you anticipating or already making changes? Are you resting in your values? Are you in a state of solitude? Or movement? Don’t forget, it takes courage to be kind to yourself. I hope you’re rocking it!