Summer slides by, and I don’t want life to just happen to me. One reason why I document my goals progress report every month is to show the process, respecting some days are full and others require sitting… Or vacuuming. My patience was tried a handful of times this month, due to changes in and outside of my control. Despite this, I am happy and am more at peace.
I have committed to the following goals in June 2023:
- Support a nonprofit once/month
- Continue swapping to vegan wares
- Run for fun once/week
- Research grad schools
Volunteering with Levitt Pavilion and PawsCo composed much of this month. At Levitt, I’ve been both a guest and volunteer, singing along to Cake (who sound the same, yet their commentary hits differently) and learning new bands like El Cro and Fruta Brutal, too. For PawsCo, we’re raising funds for Patrick the ‘wonder cat’, pulling on the heart strings. We’re spreading the word everywhere we can. Patrick was abandoned with extensive injuries, and so our goal is to raise $3,500 to give him a second chance at a happy life. If you’d like to help Patrick the wonder cat heal, donate here.
When life hit me hard this month, I remembered the key reason I am transitioning to a vegan lifestyle: Life is life is life, and love is love is love. Animals have feelings, remembering and processing emotions just like humans. And so becoming more and more plants-based is my solution to honor that shared lived experience. When my basement flooded last week, what kept me going was making sure the chinchillas were okay. Fur and wet are a nasty combination. Despite the chaos and urge to try to fix everything, I focused on my fur-friend neighbors. I’m glad they’re okay. You can’t take it with you.
And now I recognize that the only time I eat dairy is if it’s a special occasion, when milk is part of something I haven’t made myself. Beaching with the boyfriend after Mar and Ar’s wedding? Special, meriting ice cream. Chowing down on cake pops while watching doggos? That’s special too. While this may seem contradictory from the book I’m writing, Omit to Commit, balance is key when making significant changes. Complete omission isn’t sustainable for something I’m truly craving, and most processes take time and transitions.
Striving for moderation has shaped a cardinal rule: Just because something sweet (or any other vice) is there, doesn’t mean I have to indulge; I want to enjoy life and see these as treats. Dopamine doesn’t work if my tolerance depreciates. Plants are starting to taste sweeter once more, just like my vegetarianism in college. Feasting on frozen watermelon first thing in the morning wakes me up. I’m also intermittent fasting and therefore waiting to eat until I’m actually hungry.
As a result of focusing on a plants-based diet, my running skill has improved, and I’m weight training once more. While I haven’t timed my mileage lately, I am having more fun with my workouts. Perhaps it’s that I’m staying more hydrated from all the plants, or maybe it’s that I am less concerned on time and endurance, I am enjoying exercise. Moving makes me feel whole. Plus, I’ve spent ample time this summer on long walks with dogs. Summer in Colorado demands being outside as much as possible.
I am less concerned on my body and more on my brain. Researching grad schools led to a mission accomplished; I’ve applied to an information science program, but now I’m anxiously awaiting the result. Giving this to the universe, I have confidence on this future path. My work has been done, writing essays on accessibility and goal-setting, gathering my previous experiences in the education sphere into a resume and short-form answers, and asked 2 fantastic humans to submit reference letters. Knowing myself, I continue refreshing my inbox, impatient, but I remain hopeful. The process is in the administrators’ hands now.
June 2023 brought some progress to these goals:
- Make art for its own sake once/week
- Read through bookshelf
- Develop daily ab routines
- Take myself on weekly dates
Art is an important part of my life, allowing for empathy and feeling my and others’ emotions, expression of such truths, and experiencing life through the lens of something made. But did I make or perform something just for its own sake this month? Not so much. In preparation for Marissa and Aaron’s wedding, I dyed my hair, transforming a rather neutral brown into a proud flame of fire, resulting in red, purple, and yellow. I also designed a tattoo for my Birdie Grandma, a musician, bear and bird lover, and generous, gracious woman. These are welcome changes to my look, even if the yellow wisps framing my face have transitioned to orange, and the purple is less obvious. But the fire engine red underneath pops, unexpected as that tends to fade quickly. Half the fun of hair is transitioning, and these colors represent an internal change within me. Recognizing that norms aren’t rules, I am thrilled to be in spaces that abide by standards of equity, and that includes expression, so both the tattoo and hair color changes were welcome.
But how much of this is performance art, becoming versus simply being the self? Perhaps the tattoo and hair were internal expressions manifested? Recognizing I am still the same person, I may look different, but I still feel the same, with a touch more esteem. Personality typically doesn’t change overnight. This means I still have the same anxieties, and my compulsion to pick my (now fiery) hair remains. Thus, I have begun digging into the feelings of why I care so much about doing and creating, instead of just making art because I want to. Beauty is what I seek, and my new look can help me find symmetry and creativity within myself, in my daily experiences. I have a penchant for always needing a reason, purpose, or lesson for any experience, and I think “because it’s pretty” has been capitalized as something shallow or simple to make womxn and gender fluid people feel othered. In reality, beautiful things can represent quests for identity, expression, and/or relationships. Embracing uncertainty, and making changes for myself, means learning to love different stages of life.
Celebrating love looks like gaining confidence in (and love for) my brain and body, honoring familial love with a tattoo for my grandma, and leaning into relationships, such as being vulnerable with my boyfriend and my deep friendships with a handful of people. I show my gratitude, care, and faith through words. Recognizing I give and receive love through words and quality time, Marissa and Aaron asked me to officiate their wedding, and that allowed for some raw emotions, as well as a little slice of heaven. A canopy of trees, hand-painted purple and yellow and teal flowers, and the sun and stars guided our way, and my boyfriend and I bonded over quiet moments and newfound friends. During the ceremony, I sampled the couple’s work, and then Marissa played an acoustic of the same song, and later Aaron closed the evening with launching his newest piece. I am so blessed to have these folks as friends. Headbanging and all. I can learn a lot through Mar and Ar, from trying poetry again to considering house music. Couplets don’t ring as true as freeform poetry, but the structure helps me see freedom within limits.
There’s a soft discomfort in initially revealing these truths through art, words, and music, but that fear can lead to honesty and courage. What if I am not as talented/capable/unique as my teachers, parents, even I think I am? That’s a quiet voice, comparison-hungry capitalism talking. Rules provide an outline of what I expect out of me, and that’s one reason why publishing to my website has gotten easier in 2023. I have a specific schedule, including the goals progress reports, Omit to Commit chapters, and word for the year analyses. Each follow a unique structure while giving breathing room for progress. For example, this month’s Omit to Commit chapter used some of my own books, as well as library research. While I am struggling to read through my bookshelf at the moment, as the flood collapsed my shelf, my collections of origin stories and essays intrigue me. I still have yet to continue re-reading A Series of Unfortunate Events, even though it brings joy every time I do so. Is potential fear neglecting me a bit of happiness?
Romanticizing my life is a new habit for when I am alone, and I think it will help with the goal to take myself on dates. The reason for this new mini-habit is to make the humdrum a little easier, and I have found ways to queue pleasure. Dancing through grocery stores makes this task fun, and it feels less like a ceaseless to-do. I like the feeling of completion, and since this task is never actually done and instead repeated until the end, I try to pair dancing with shopping. But does that really qualify as a date? Soon I’ll have the gift of time as I transition to part-time. 3 concentrated days of marketing work open 2 days for dog-sitting, (anticipated) grad school, and self-dates. I’ve never worked part-time before, and with school coming, I’ll also have an internship. Yet July brings a hopeful road trip to start the month, a handful of pups, and a few vacant Mondays. Will I feel an urge to fill the days? I do best when there’s 3 good things accomplished every day. And that puts a lot of pressure on the doing, not in the being. So I hope to be there for myself during this time, whether it’s working out, reading, making. Or even just sitting.
Capitalism called again, it wants more work. But not working is work, too, for this workaholic. Maybe it’s time to set working out as a priority, as I have enjoyed many of my workouts, but don’t always work on abs. Lifting has been helpful for this growth, and even though I cognitively know humans don’t need as much protein as the FDA proclaims, a plants-based diet requires more volume. And so does exercising, since the consuming-burning cycle speeds up metabolism.
In June 2023, I omitted the following annual goals:
- Start designing tiny house
- Visit France
These 2 last goals continue to be neglected, but my phone oh-so-kindly repeatedly reminds me that Ireland was already a year ago. What have I learned about myself in the last 365 days? Balancing no work and work, dating someone and calling each other the titles of bf and gf, and feeling the feelings matter. All are urging me to think deeper about what I want and who I am.
I want to travel, but I also want to have the stability of a home to return to. Both can be true. Dog and house-sitting gigs almost every week this summer bring a sense of staycation, but I do want to be comfortable in my own home, too. Sitting in the familiar is a chance to build routine and relationships, honoring the full, sometimes confusing feelings of found family in that space. In June, I only spent a few days there, but the flooded basement tested my patience and sense of space, even with my minimalist attitude. I was grateful to have dogs (and a bed) elsewhere, and a welcome vacation to Michigan.
And even though I did not travel to France (and honestly probably won’t this year), my boyfriend and I went on our first adventure together for Aaron and Marissa’s wedding. Some of the most gently joyful moments were watching the sun set, galivanting through the woods, and tending the campfire. He befriended people as I prepped for the ceremony, and I think we found a little sense of who we are, together and apart. It was a joyous, heavenly experience, exploring Grand Rapids, Holland, and throughout Michigan. It made sense to finally publicly share our relationship (make it Facebook official, lol!), honoring it.
Life is changing, and I am feeling encouraged by these glimmers of peace and joy. Sometimes writing reminds me that these moments, stacked against each other, make a life. And now the doggos need feeding, and I’m ready for July. Are you? Hope you’re creating spaces for yourself to make, work, or just be! Let me know with a comment.