When I first started this “word for the year” series, I had no idea I’d also address how I’d get from place to place. Having an inner compass requires some sense of direction, an orientation from point A to point B, both physically and mentally. But I assumed my car would be the source. Ordinarily, that is the case, but life has thrown me some circumstances outside of my control.
An inner compass requires orienteering, even when life throws different directions.
Before I had a car, bikes and buses were my main transport. When I carpooled, I sometimes felt a power imbalance, and I’d usually tip the driver something in return (usually gas or food). This became such a commonplace activity that I considered writing a series on this “life on wheels”, finding affordable therapy in Uber rides and a shared commonality in public transport. These last few weeks of using other vehicles outside my car might be a sign to turn to my legs once more:
- Last week’s road trip was delayed, then cancelled, due to my car’s engine overheating. I anticipated a slow roll through the rolling hills, not a complete stop, in Nebraska
- A bus was stranded on the highway in downtown Milwaukee, due to a down powerline, forcing proximity to a gaggle of teenagers, my family, and gen Xers, from midnight-2am
- My flight was cancelled, resulting in finding one remaining seat on another airline, in first class. “Milking” it for all its worth, I sipped 3 cups of coffee and 1 OJ, a cheese tray with processed dairy, olives, and dried apples, and sat, legs fully extended, in frustration, before making it home
- Denver’s light rail is free during the next couple months. Silver lining, I hope?
And those are just the “how’s” and the hopeful “where’s.” My life feels like it’s going in many directions, which usually brings me joy. But I need space by myself to figure out where I want to go, physically, emotionally, and mentally. That’s why the road trip called for an extended period of time by myself, from Colorado to Nebraska to Iowa to Wisconsin (and back again). Sometimes life has other plans. And I have to learn to be okay with that.
My inner compass recognizes what to take ownership of, and what’s outside of my control.
It is my nature to try to find the positive in all of this (and more), but I am learning to differentiate feelings and emotions: I take ownership of my mental well-being. Feelings are fleeting reactions to stimuli while emotions are lingering states of being. Feeling angry due to the bullet points of above is valid, but I don’t want this to translate to a state of being. Being bitter or frustrated for extended periods of time is not okay. I simply want to feel okay.
I own what I want to feel. I want to feel fulfilled, that I am doing the right things and am in the right place. The “right things” for my inner compass are values-rich activities that ideally require no capital and instead the resources of energy and time. How am I spending my energy when I am alone, such as these temporary alone-time Mondays? What can I do to check in with myself to really examine my emotions? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my home, in my work environments, in my relationship. Fostering stability is part of my personality, despite so many seasonal changes.
Such changes include a monogamous relationship. This feeling of slowly revealing myself to one person, instead of bits to a variety or dating just myself, is a welcome change of pace. I am doing my best to not force anything and instead honor the time, alone and together, it takes to build a partnership. I am grateful for how much he’s supported so many changes and being there for the tow, airport ride, and the moments in-between. He understands that my family needs me right now. My godson’s getting older, and there’s also conditions outside my control. I hope I can be there for him.
It is my job to take ownership of how I show up around others, regardless of what I can and can’t do. Surprising my godson for his birthday, and then running around the children’s playground at Summerfest, was one of the biggest joys of this summer. C said I was the “goodest present”, despite being surrounded by LEGO-everything and ice cream. Just being there for my people, even in my exhausted, post-flight state, reminds me I am loved, simply as I am.
Outside my control? How people perceive me. Regardless of supposed societal expectations, I do what I can to create the little joys I’m known for, such as snapping silly, up-close pics of my godson. Or dying my hair a fire of colors in honor of my best friend’s wedding. But I am not obligated to live by others’ standards and instead am trying to “do me”. This shouldn’t be so difficult, but I sometimes feel a weight of “am I doing/making/being enough?” (Last month, I said that was capitalism. Probably anxiety too. Cool, cool, cool.) Welcome changes include honoring my feelings and documenting those little moments of the extraordinary.
Combining my Omit to Commit work with my Inner Compass work, I see moderation is in order.
Since there are 5 more months of the year, here’s 5 items I will try to lean into:
- Instead of “all or nothing” thinking, I will try to strike a balance in everything I do. Some examples… Ovo-lacto vegetarianism will help me with my transition to veganism. I need to be frugal right now but still deserve some fun.
- I don’t always have to be “on” and will take Mondays off.
- When doom scrolling calls, I will try to be outside.
- Finding my core again may require omitting some projects or goals.
- I will work to maintain ongoing deep relationships.
First intent: I talked about my predisposition to “all or nothing” thinking before. In my 2022 goals sheet, this scarcity mindset was in the “stop doing” column. And this mindset takes a toll because it prevents progress and assumes I can just completely abstain. And so I am going to try to remove dairy once more as it makes me sick and is against my values, but be okay with it if it prevents fun or affordable meals. Because I know I need to start working for my rainy day fund once again, as there’s been many storms in a row.
Intent two: Learning how I return to a state of “on”, I need some space by myself. This was initially Saturdays, but most of the summer is full of dog-sitting gigs, Maker Marketing opportunities, and some volunteering. These all bring me joy, leaning into my values of learning and serving. But they also take ample time. I am lucky to still have benefits even with my transition to part-time at the school I work for, even if I am still waiting to hear about grad school, and so I’m claiming Mondays as my own. Running, being outside, writing as I am now, and going to the library are my goals. It doesn’t have to be complicated.
Third, being outside is my happy, calm place, whereas my phone is a loud space, beckoning for attention. When I am in the sunshine or watching the stars on my porch, I don’t need an audience. There’s no need to be “on”, I don’t have to worry about acting a certain way. Instead I can just be. So I’m hopeful this can translate to when I’m feeling down or bored. Doom scrolling is one of the most insidious habits; it feels normal yet awful, time-sucking. Can I just sit with myself, process and feel without any shame? Perhaps this habit swap means completely remove the phone, too.
If I’m removing the phone for outside time, maybe I can learn to remove other habits, too, in favor of bigger goals like returning to myself. I think I’ve lost some sight of Colorado goals when I just fill up the days with stuff others (okay, Facebook ads) suggest for me. My core values remain, so what do I want to do, who do I want to be? And how can I show up as my honest, real self online and off? I’ll be asking myself those questions on Mondays and when I’m outside.
Showing up truthfully means working toward healthier, stronger relationships with those I’m closest to. And I know I am extremely loyal, but there are a few friendships I’m working toward again. (Boundaries prevent full sharing, sorry not sorry.) Spending an extended weekend with family reminded me that the meaning of life truly is other people, so I have ongoing work to do. From Bible-length texts to making a habit of weekly check-ins via call, video, or even watch party, please know I am here for it! This introvert loves a routine to build relational wealth.
So that’s a smattering of what I’m working on. As usual, I feel a sense of release, combined with hope and exhaustion. These word for the year posts help me process what, who, and where matter to me. Indeed, that is the goal of my “inner compass” work. How about you? What, who, where has inspired you? Throw a comment in! I see you and appreciate you.