Goals Progress Report: August 2023

Surprise: There’s no coffee and dog for this monthly check-in. Instead, I’m sweating in the library, a stack of books to return, sunscreen at the ready for my post-urban spelunke. Owning up to progress, much of my work has been alone this month.

I have committed to these 2023 goals in August:

• Research grad schools
• Continue swapping to vegan wares
• Run for fun once/week
• Support a nonprofit once/month

I am thrilled to be starting grad school next month, but this month has provided lessons in “doing” versus “being.” One lesson for this in-between month is that I am more than what I do, as “doing” life creates a dependency on titles and/or behaviors. What if I *don’t* want to do something? When people ask, “what do you do?” or “what are you doing during this time?”, they are often creating associations of people and places. It’s a value question, too, one of relational and/or capital wealth. And so I am working on this transition, seeing that it has trade-offs: I will be a full-time student soon, I am a part-time marketer, part-time dog-sitter, and part-time freelancer. AND I will be a part-time work study assistant somewhere, hopefully at a museum or library. It’s a lot, and part of me feels this is self-defense, the other part is capitalism/affording this life thing.

I’m learning I am also my emotions. As an INFJ-A, I am sensitive to how others perceive me, sometimes people-pleasing to drop my own emotions for theirs. (That could be the empath in me.) Creating emotional boundaries protects me, pushing me to see who I am without the labels. Dropping associations or relationships then is especially hard. Even though I am independent, this month’s breakup still forced me through the lens of someone I thought I was close to. I have seen that independence and partnership don’t always work together. And now that it’s been some time, I can see how much effort we both put in, and that if I’m going to be in a relationship, I need someone to match my energy. That’s asking a lot. And so perhaps this is a good thing, since the next couple years will be focused on inner growth.

Focusing on my inner being has resulted in some exterior change, too. I am giving myself grace through the process. While I am proud to have made significant progress to emotional independence, there is still work to be done for other goals, too. I am on my way to becoming vegan, but it is still work. I’ve said “yes” to panna cotta at a farm to table meal, but I’ve also said “no” to dates with people who aren’t at least vegetarian. And in all honesty, most dates will be denied for a while, whether it’s due to my standards or just the time I’d rather be in my own company. Sorry, not sorry.

There is objective value in labels, then, because people objectively know what I stand for and who I am. That’s resulted in some H-E-double hockey stick YESes, though, such as running in all sorts of extreme conditions. Earlier this week, the weather was decidedly weird, switching from 50 and 80 degrees. But I shared an impromptu laugh with a fellow endurance runner, a reassurance we were okay. Becoming my own best friend, then, is the solution. Laughing with (at?) myself is a gift.

And another objective standard of Essential Kaylie is supporting a nonprofit. PawsCo has been a fun reminder to see how I can use my skills for good, and next month we’ll have our annual gala, Wags and Whiskers. I’m deciding what’s next after that, as I will be a student again, but for now I am taking this as fundraising season. Support, whether it’s volunteering or financial, is essential, so I’m telling everyone I know about Wags. If you can, donate! Or get tickets!

I made progress to these annual goals:

• Develop daily abs routines
• Take myself on weekly dates

These runs have resulted in developing a handful of ab routines for cool-down sessions. Working my body when it’s nearly worn out is key for me so that I can see my strength and condition further endurance. Plus, my friend Allie has asked me to stand up in her wedding next year, so a little external motivation is just the push I need. Mercifully, DU has a gym for students, so this environment will absolutely nurture my brain and body to just keep going.

“Just keep swimming” also seems to be the theme for weekly dates, too. As I am living that single life again, you’d think that would be easier. But I am trying extreme resourcefulness right now, couponing and walking whenever possible. So cheap self-dates are actually $0 self-dates. Basking in the sunset. Watching The Bear while dog-sitting, instead of my typical self-date with dog of one Doordash treat. Dancing to 90s Disney. Inviting friends to use some of my theatre tickets (okay, not a self-date) for Oppenheimer and Barbie. Even taking myself to church.

In August, I omitted work toward these 2023 goals:

• Make art for its own sake once/week
• Design tiny house
• Visit France
• Read through bookshelf

To be honest, I haven’t made any art in August. And that’s okay. I have to remind myself that I have participated in tasteful events, such as officiating the wedding for one of my best friends and co-designing my latest tattoo, but art for its own sake feels extremely difficult right now. Everything feels twisted by capitalization or a feeling of lack. Reworking my resume for an information science position took some creativity, but it absolutely wasn’t for its own sake. Signing up to screen animal rights films wasn’t “just because” either, sorry. Time is a privilege.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t read ANY of my books this month, either. I have enjoyed reading about digitization methods, indexes, and historical libraries in preparation for the information science degree. While I love to read, I’m not sure when I’ll get to my own bookshelf. But this month has provided preparation: To read, apply for work study positions, and build up routines (like running) so that I will hopefully be ready for grad school.

Perceiving grad school as an adventure has helped my well-being, too. At the start of the year, I knew designing a tiny home was going to be a more future-oriented goal. Now that I have been home for a couple weeks after a full summer of dogs, there is grace in the sitting. Allowing space for routine-building, I acknowledge the gifts of home. Knowing where things are. Making coffee from an old subscription, instead of paying $4. Having a roomie to laugh with, banter with, and hug. Someday I’ll design the tiny home, but for now, this environment is exactly what I need.

And so that leaves visiting France somewhere, which I am grateful to have one last voucher to go to: North Carolina, for Kaitlyn and David’s wedding. Mercifully, my roomies and I are all going together, and it’s not for 6 more weeks. But it’s something to look forward to, which in all honesty, anticipation is a great antidote for anxiety. I can’t wait to see fellow Riponites and spend sometime in a state I’ve never been, North Carolina.

While I’m sure there are more lessons in independence, capitalization, and progress, for now, I am simply grateful to have made it through the summer. I am thankful for grad school ahead, grateful to be trying church again, and for cultivating trusty routines. Because I know life is so much bigger than me. But that’s a smattering of life this month. How are you, what have you learned about your values and goals?