I turned 31 today. While I try to reduce expectations around “bigger” days like birthdays, I am only human. What do I expect out of this day, out of this year? How do I show up authentically, regardless of reason? Kelcey from my cohort says this is a prime number, so mathematically, something happens. And there have been a few somethings in celebration, like Kelcey and Zachery took me out to a punk bar, Kate and I will be thrifting, and I’ll be galivanting to North Carolina for Katelyn and David’s wedding soon.
Seeking adventure is nothing new to me, so when I started my “inner compass” intention for 2023, explorations were expected. Adventures can look and feel big, but I also wanted to savor the small and solo, too. Self-dates, like new hiking and running trails, followed by coffee shoppes, have become one way to regularly show up for myself in a small way. Setting this word for the year was in anticipation of honoring the “hows” and the “whys” of my activities, and so I’ve worked hard to pay attention. What serves? How do I show up?
And so, my birthday wish is a little different, thanks to this inner compass: I hope to appreciate the awesome, acknowledge its absence, and even accept the in-between.
I don’t think “average” quite fits here, but I did write on the okayness of average in my love letter to Arthur of PBS. (If my baseline satisfaction is still engaging, then maybe I can stop fearing average?)
My inner compass has led me to acknowledge all these feelings and experiences. For a long time, I’ve known that I have a penchant for doing things, consequently believing my life satisfaction comes from action. Productivity can feel good, and usually my energy is high. But when I’m not feeling my fullest self, activity drains my emotional tap. Even small things start to take longer or feel unsatisfactory. Savoring is harder.
I’ve slowly started breaking up with this constant state of being, which still may seem untrue to some. It’s an internal process that drips into external. Yes, I’m getting a master’s in library and information science, have multiple professional roles in marketing and information, am starting to date again. But my in-between states that are not documented/titled/with other people are just as important, if not more so: I am whole, whether I’m alone or with someone. Adventures still abound, whether I’m running (around) or sitting.
And that realization of inherent worth is far more of an accomplishment than any activity. While I have always been gracious on this belief toward the populace, I am learning to contextualize this for and to myself. That I matter, regardless of what I have or haven’t done. And this applies to everyone: You matter.
Mattering doesn’t come from action, but activity brings me life because it is (my) life. Being, doing, going, and frankly living are so interconnected, and I haven’t stopped. But age has taught me to look at myself differently. How do I feel when I don’t have the entire day scheduled? When my Type-A slips into A- territory and “unplanning” leads to spontaneity? Lately, having nothing planned feels awesome: I can sit, process, write, or meditate, and then my work and self-worth become stronger because I’ve worked on myself. Alone time is a gift.
Choosing to go back to school is such an amazing achievement, especially in my 30s, and it’s brought spaces to access athletic, artistic, and academic activities. The result is additional resources and relationships. These are privileges. DU’s gym, museum, library, and coffee aren’t “free” per se, but they are accessible, and so I try to use them regularly. And sometimes “use” looks like simply being with new friends or myself in these new spaces.
Just being with myself is the goal of life, more than anything. And that makes me feel whole and true. Asking myself what I want and who I have led me here (to Colorado, to grad school, to this mental space of following my inner compass). It hasn’t been easy. But I’m slowly realizing how much agency I have in controlling life satisfaction. I only started realizing these choices in my mid-20s. Options are gifts.
And one of those big choices is how I spend the days. Career isn’t everything, but it is so much of how I view myself. A decade of marketing, a handful of years in advocacy organizations, and life experiences have led me to realize what I want next. Right now, that looks like a community engagement or outreach role in a library, museum, or public broadcast station, using data to build public programming. The fact that I’m working toward a new, complementary goal feels awesome and authentic.
And I am so grateful, not just for these accomplishments but for what’s next. There is still so much to explore in who I am as a person, in what the world has to offer, and how I can respond to individual and collective needs. Helping people access resources and relationships, whether here online or wherever I am next, is certainly one goal of this work! That mix of known and unknown, social and solo, is quite an adventure, and I am ready. So let’s go!