Systems Review: Learning to Say No by Asking 3 Questions

Every month in 2024, I am reviewing systems that empower me to live a values-driven life. Holistically driven, I try to see my inner (and external) workings as a system and part of a bigger system. We’re all space dust. In other words, I am a spiritual individual on a physical plane. And so are you.

Today’s system unpacks that hefty two-letter word: No. Why is this word so weighty? Here’s a few reasons why saying no is so difficult:

• People-pleasing
• Impulsivity might lead to the “yes”, but the turn-time of a solid “no” might involve stronger will-power
• Productivity culture

I’ve struggled with “no” for all of these reasons above (if you’d like to share yours, feel free to comment or email me). I thought the “yes” made me more liked. Or at least, in that moment, I was more reliable, ready for anything. When in reality, most of the people asking for something we’re looking for the action, not necessarily the person. Ouch.

I thought I could do (and be!) it all, and maybe I did. But I was placing other people’s affirmations on my actions, not on my whole self. Saying yes when I didn’t need or even want to led to supporting 10 yearbooks, volunteering with Rangerettes (essentially Lutheran Girl Scouts) far past peers’ tenure, and even being in relationships that didn’t support me. Acknowledgement of such years-long struggling is vulnerable. Ever-curious, I am thankful I started asking questions, with a painful one to begin.

Who wants the title of people-pleasing, can-do-it-all, ‘yes human’ anyway?

That question above hurt the most. Because it spiraled into self-pity: I can do it all, but why can’t I be it all? Why am I still lonely? Tired? Not happy? Learning to break up with “no” was painful. And sometimes, it still is, because I see that “doing” and “being” are so linked in western culture. So instead of self-loathing, I urge you to consider these questions instead:

Here are 3 questions to systemize learning to say “no”:

Is this decision aligned with my values?

I highly recommend writing a values sheet to dive into what, who, and where direct your personal and professional paths. While you don’t need to announce your values to the world, it may help to have them all in one place. I’ve published my values here. Actions speak louder than words. So, when making a decision, it will inevitably reflect on you. Are you acting in accordance with how you view yourself? Will this decision change you? Look back on that sheet and turn your values into affirmations. I, Kaylie Longley, am honest, curious, enthusiastic, brave, and kind. (Your turn!)

Does this decision affect other yeses in my life?

This is all about opportunity cost (the core of my book, Omit to Commit, which I currently blog about on the 20th of every month). By saying “yes” to something, inevitably something or someone will be let down or at least changed. Harsh but true. Think about it: One “yes” of taking a job can mean one “no” of less time with your partner/hobby/day-to-day. And that single “yes” might be much more “nos.” That’s because the biggest currency of life is not funding but time, so give yourself permission to say “no” or “maybe” once and a while.

Have I asked my higher power about this?

This might be new to readers, but the “higher power” might be your God, highest self, the universe, or something else. For me, learning that I cannot control all of my decisions is simultaneously freeing and terrifying. It’s freeing because I choose to believe there’s a plan much bigger than mine, so asking God for His will means I strive to be and do the “higher” path and see that I don’t know it all. But it’s also scary because that means there are certain decisions I need to let go of. Lately, that looks like letting go of choices out of my control. Since everyone lives in their own reality, some decisions aren’t mine to make, so giving them to God is my solution. Next up is asking God to direct all my paths. Eek!

Sometimes, asking my higher power about future decisions gives me peace, but I need to be grounded in present, physical reality. I write this on my porch, blue(!) and copper hair drying from an evening shower. Leaves crunch under my still-bare feet. There’s apple juice at my right, sunglasses at my left.

These questions have helped me be honest in sharing what’s on my decision docket: I’m praying about post-graduation, what to do about my car, and how to show up for my partner, roommates, and family. I’m still learning how to step out of people-pleasing through trying to see who and what is affected (including myself). We’re not meant to do life alone. Sometimes the “yes” seems like the ticket for community or belonging, but I hope this blog helps set a foundation of solid “yes” and “no” responses. Please know that you’re not alone. Thanks for being here.