I think one of the biggest lies of western society is, “the key to life is lowered expectations.” It feels too lose. Too relaxed on life. And for whose expectations? And what kind of expectations do they mean? I believe expectations should start with the self, but they’re influenced based on what’s known and from whom.
A while back, I wrote about Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies, wherein each person typically falls on a scale of meeting or rejecting internal and external expectations. Because I fell in between 2 polar opposites (Obliger: meets external expectations, rejects internal; Questioner: the exact opposite), I did not leave a favorable review. It was my gal pal Marissa who labeled me Upholder.
According to Rubin, Upholders meet internal and external expectations, and that labeling led me to a self-startling discovery: I’m a goody two shoes. I get stuff done. I’m tremendously reliable. I’ll sacrifice sleep because my word/name/satisfaction is on the line. And it’s especially true when it’s for an authority/friend, not necessarily myself.
And so in order to feel fulfilled, I expect myself to be part of something, and the belonging doesn’t come from being part of the community, it comes from the doing. Aka I don’t have to be the best, but I have to do my best. Or I’ve failed.
Self expectation: Doing makes me feel more accomplished more than being.
And that’s why I’ve only given up on a couple things in my life: I’ve only quit one job, in favor of four (!) other positions in college. I quit piano after so many years. That’s also why I’ve held on to so many identities, too. Food pantry volunteer. Camp counselor. Youth mentor. All others’ expectations and associations of me.
And that’s when I get exhausted, too. I stack up a schedule to feel like I’m helping others, and I am, but then I forget to help myself. That’s one reason why I need this virtual space, even if it is public, to tell overachievers like me they’re not alone. That you feel like you can’t sit still, so much so that meditation, yoga, or counseling seem pointless because you’re just sitting… but in reality, work is being done. The neurons are firing, you’re living. Your brain is the one doing the doing (okay, maybe your body too, at least for yoga). And so that “doing” can start to feel like “being”: being present. Gracious. Strong.
But what about my expectations for my own life? Or maybe my expectations for others’? Is that where the reduction of expectations comes in, where I lower what I think others will do, so I keep calm and carry on myself? Sure, there’s more to life than work, but shouldn’t capable people try to stack personal life goals like professional ones?
Social expectation: If I’m doing something, perhaps others will be inspired to do, too. But there’s no guarantee.
When you know your own expectations, it is possible to inspire others to do the same. Or at least contribute. But that doesn’t mean they will. Let’s face it, collaborative projects in school were a joke. There was always one slacker. But now that I’m in “the real world”, I do see the value in clearly laying out what my expectations are for the other person/group, and the other(s) sharing their expectations, too. There’s transparency, honesty, and hopefully trust and sharing of responsibility, for both successes and failures.
So now with all this internal growth, I hold myself accountable to my own goals. I’m constantly writing to do lists (and started writing to don’t do lists last week). It helps me get to know what I’m capable of. Like this week, I successfully woke up early to run/work on abs/meditate every day, starting with an earlier bedtime routine of getting workout clothes ready, reading instead of screening, and tucking myself into bed earlier.
I get it, I have a much higher capacity than others. Maybe because for 5/7 days of the week, I’m sitting at a desk, doing creative, analytical work. So as a result of that 40-50 hour stretch of work, I don’t really stare at a screen any other time. Maybe because I fear my eyesight will go if I keep looking and clicking all day long. Or worse, maybe I fear time will drip by if I stare too long (after one year acted as an entire blip for most of earth’s population).
It’s time to be more transparent on internal and external expectations.
When external expectations are known, it’s easier to see where people fall. On track or otherwise. That’s why professional environments give reviews. That’s why I’m trying to surround myself with go-getters. That’s why I’m getting more intentional on energy. And it’s not that I’m grading friends, but I am definitely being more choosy with my time to make environments more fulfilling. Sorry, social media, you’re often a waste of space. I’m enjoying Zoom life talks much more, thank you very much. I’m not sure how true it is about another cliché, “you’re the average of 5 people”, but I have been reconnecting with so many amazing people. Musicians. Teachers. Health professionals. Nonprofit wiz kids.
If you are physically and mentally capable, don’t you want to be the hero of your own story? Don’t you want to show up for yourself? I hope so. And so I am going to keep making my lists. Keep organizing and optimizing my life, based on expectations, and then doing all of the things. Who’s with me?