Welcome (back) to my word for the year posts! In case you missed last month’s post, “experiment” is my word for 2024. On the 10th of every month, I plan to set small challenges for myself. Focused on fun, feeling, and actually doing things, “experiment” merits play, trying, and failing. Previous words of the year include “inner compass” in 2023 and “grace” in 2022. Intentionally active, “experiment” is the most tangible and exciting word choice so far.
When I last posted on “experiment” one month ago, on January 10th, I set the ground rules for the next year. Namely, every month I’ll publish experiment(s) on my website, in the hope of inspiring myself to specific action(s) the following 30 days. I even shared on social media, too. While January 10th’s post piggybacked resolutions, I am not sure if I’ll share this post to my profiles again.
My first experiment was to track time away from my phone, via the Forest app. Divided into categories, most of this time was centered on activities, like exercising, socializing, working, and doing homework. Inputs led to measurements, but I had to remember to use the app.
Naturally, when I forget to use the app, there was no data. You get what you give here, and that’s a lesson in “experiment.” I will continue to track via the Forest app, but I recognize limitations of behavior.
Data is only as good as inputs and outputs; it’s not the full story.
Emotionally, I saw a personality pattern: When I remembered to check into Forest to start the 25-minute countdown, I felt I had a strategy for that time. Feeling I’m “using time” well (or not) isn’t new, but time tracking via app is. This might be because knowing what I’m doing brings a sense of control, routine, and even pride. Plus, I often find myself hungry to “use” time, being all eyes and ears to an activity. That’s why January’s experiment was focused on being “engaged” with my time, as an attempt to remove excessive device use.
I also recognize that lack of activity is important, too. Making space for nothing, with myself and others, can lead to creativity or connection. Being both a busy-body and an introvert, I found myself exhausted throughout the month, craving blank spaces in my schedule. And when a blank space presented itself, I tried to be engaged with the feelings. Sometimes, I felt joyful. Other times, frustrated and isolated. While I found myself using the Forest app socially, I forgot to use it when I was alone.
Conversationally, I’d share the app as a tool for my experiment, telling friends and colleagues that my goal was to use my phone less. Since the app helps plant trees, many found Forest capitalistic yet motivating. Most folks were excited by such a specific positive reinforcement. But as I found out, actually planting trees on Earth requires another app, this one not with a $0 price tag.
On the flip side, there were social consequences to reduced phone use. Occasionally, I’d forget to respond to friends’ texts, eventually sharing I am working on decreasing phone use. Though true, this is not the full picture. As a result, I am now working on replacement habits for phone use, especially beyond the productivity buckets the Forest app offers.
Plus, when in solitude, I’d do homework or work, and then forget to use the app to track my productive time. Unfortunately, when feeling sad or that unfortunate FOMO, an old habit crept back into my life. I’d scroll instead of sleep, sometimes even scrolling instead of feeling. Alas: This was the opposite intent of January’s experiment. Long-term, I want to stop this anxiety-induced scrolling and be engaged with my life. This replacement habit (or goal?) leads to my next experiment for 2024:
My February experiment asks: What happens when I express myself in different ways?
Notice how this is a question, not a hypothesis or if/then analysis. The experiment allows for pondering spaces, as well as external reflections. Where, how, and what do I want to do to express myself this month?
- Expression via spoken word: When someone affects my feelings, I will share.
- Via dress: Pruning my wardrobe three times now has reduced so many choices, and so I hope to hone my style.
- Via written word: Piggybacking off of last month’s challenge to use my phone less, I hope to show up for my friends via letter-writing. Maybe this demands expression on social media, too.
As an empath, I feel a lot of others’ experiences, expressions, and emotions. That’s often taxing and exhausts my own energy. While I love supporting people 1:1, the collective weight of the world is not my responsibility. (It is no one’s, actually.) So how can I show up for myself, recognizing my own emotions and experiences with expression?
I’m thinking self-expression will mainly come via written and spoken word. For all those folks who realized I was using my phone less (and therefore not texting back so immediately), I will be trying to write letters. Valentine’s Day is coming up, so hopefully happy mail is coming! Since I have friends throughout the country, I’m hoping this form of communication and connection will be a fun change of pace. Physical writing may endure longer than a text, too.
For friends who are physically in my life, I will continue to express myself, whether it’s routine check-ins, or other ideas of self-expression. Perhaps these expressions will cause change, therefore modifying my verbiage, wardrobe, or something else. Who knows? And why does this matter?
I want to be myself, not just know myself… a much bigger project than a year’s worth of experiments.
Learning who I am means honoring the past because they are my lived experiences, but it also means discovering who I am now. All past and present expressions are true and valid. Self-expression in its many forms is exciting and terrifying soul-work. Honestly, being vulnerable online is not new to me. But revealing myself, bit by bit, will take time. And recognizing how much I craved those blank spaces in January, I need time to work on being myself. There’s a line floating around the Internet that says being with yourself is the goal, more than being yourself, and that’s right.
However, expressions of the self can take many forms. How can I be there for myself, when I am with others who hurt or exhaust me, intentionally or otherwise? For example, I have not outwardly expressed boundaries with people. Sharing a need for boundaries with some folks is hard, especially those who have not realized they’ve stretched me. And for other people, I’d like to break down barriers and instead express my need to (re)connect.
Ultimately, I am excited for the next 30 days, as I am learning how to speak and share my truths. That’s often the function of expression. Art, such as poetry, is one vehicle of such sharing, too. Cognitively knowing I can express myself in a variety of ways is different than actively believing in myself and doing the things. So here’s to continual learning via expressing!
How can you share your truths? Or, how do you express your emotions or experiences? Feel free to add a comment and share your experiences. Just know: You are not alone, and you matter. Thanks for sharing my little corner of cyberspace!
2 thoughts on “Experiment: Engage and Express”