How do people make decisions? How are goals made repeatedly? This is a personal dive into feelings and perhaps the first in a series.
I have leaned into my introversion, but I have lately struggled with the feeling side. Perhaps it’s because when I took the Myers-Briggs, I landed a strong Introverted score but more in the middle of the Thinking-Feeling pair.
I LOVE personality tests because they help me see how individual differences affect behavior. They help me see I’m not alone. As an INFJ, most personality researchers say we’re the smallest group. It could be because we seem extroverted to so many, counseling everyone, but when in reality, my energy is best served 1:1.
My feelings are influenced by people, so my environments should be conducive to goals.
When I look at my past, I see a habit of getting things done independently, and then only sharing success after the fact. I self-designed my major in college. My apartment was driven by a need for sanctuary, managing a space of my own.
But I love to collaborate, too: I’m in a small but mighty team of 2 at work. We know how to get things done by diving up responsibilities by signature strengths. It’s amazing to feel heard and actions reciprocated. We work on goals together.
Feelings are key in communicating goals. Now I see that I want to surround myself with people who care about personal goals, too, and those goals are driven by values. I feel creating, exploring, and moving are super important to living a life well lived. I need to communicate that with others, and then do those habits. Even if the goals aren’t “done” or “perfect”.
Feelings can direct values.
If I recognize that my goals are driven by feelings, I need to lean into this side of my life. Meditation has taught me this. I must feel good about what I’m doing, who I hang out with. This may seem idealistic, but my life is significantly better when I see values directing my life.
My current Moralities class has taught me that compassion and empathy are actually different things, and so are feelings and emotions. Everyone has emotions about why they do things. In my experience, I use feelings about myself and others into why I do things. And that’s compassion. Compassion is also why I get stuck helping others, over and over again.
I am backing away from people who don’t want help themselves. And some people don’t need help. I. Can’t. Save. Everyone. Leaning in, I care about tact. And so my self-work means I need to give up on people who don’t share values. That’s tactful because my goals can still be accomplished, and their goals are better served without me.
So… can feelings direct goals?
My goals aren’t dependent on motivation because what happens when that tap runs dry? That’s why routine work so much better for me: it’s a system that I must stick to. That’s probably why I’ve felt bad when I messed up the system. It felt like I gave up on myself.
Sure, logically, there are goals to be had, and they’re done through physical work. But the mental work – the whys, the process – direct ’em. So, I am asking myself, how can I use my feelings to drive habits? Checking into myself. Seeing that harmony starts with me.
My decisions are directed by my head and heart. So, it’s time to start communicating and sharing with people who care about my ideals and values. It’s a mighty ask, but that’s my goal. Share those feelings with others.
How do you make your best decisions?