Grace and Growth, Guilt, and Goals

Life has provided grace this week! Has the universe given you grace? Have you given it? As a “word nerd”, I am continually inspired by the many denotations and connotations of grace. In case you missed it, grace is my word for the year, and I am applying grace to different ideas that start with G, R, A, C, and E on the 10th, 20th, and 30th of each month. Today’s February 20th, so that means my last G of GRACE post. But not to worry, since February is a short month, I’ll have other content before March 10th, such as an open call to “Womyn in Progress” on March 1st (see a #WIP preview and how to apply here).

Last time, I wrote about applying grace to God, going, and grounding on February 10th. It was particularly vulnerable. I shared my Christian upbringing and current questions, as well as some “Kaylie can’t sit still” behavior patterns again. I acknowledge that I am a work in progress, and finding good things in life requires balance. The February 10th post showed a spectrum of “going” and “grounding”. With these parallel paths in mind, this post’s first application of grace goes to a question:

Can I give grace to “gray” feelings of uncertainty?

In my meditations, studies in psychology, and conversations with people, I have learned that it’s possible to not have “gray” feelings. Feelings are what they are: they are neither good or bad, nor are they black or white. But I can’t help but feel “gray” feelings, such as feeling uncertain of what’s ahead. I am doing my best to savor the moment, and usually grayness comes from stressing over the uncontrollables.

I am giving grace to grayness by practicing “cognitive empathy.” This is still a new-ish idea to me: I can feel what others are feeling WITHOUT tying my emotions to them. In other words, I can still give grace and good energy, but it is not my job to feel others’ guilt, shame, anger as my own guilt, shame, anger, etc. As I am both an intuitive and helper-type, this is hard work. I feel what others are feeling, but I am working hard on separating OTHERS’ feelings as my own. I am feeling all the feelings lately, and some of these emotions are extreme. I’m only human, after all, which leads to:

How can I possibly give grace to guilt?

In the last month, I have felt guilty of my newfound contentment in CO. Logically, this doesn’t make any sense: I’ve worked hard to get here and have loved my new job and people I’ve met… But emotionally, I still feel guilty that I’m not back in WI. This is due to the fact that I have not been physically present for the loss of a friend, the interview process for a family member, and the new work at my old food pantry. I have tried to digitally show up with grace, through 1:1 conversations, Zoom calls, and check-in texts. But I still feel guilty. Due to the pandemic, you’d think I’d be used to digital being an okay substitute for physical support? Nope, I still feel “gray” about it. I am trying to give grace to allow these feelings of guilt.

Grief and guilt are linked, too. After my friend died, I couldn’t help but make mental connections to others who also died of cancer. It’s not fair that scientists still don’t fully know how cancer works. It’s not fair that this person is no longer here. It’s not fair that the world keeps going after loss. It’s not fair that the English language uses past tense for those who have passed. In my feelings of grief and guilt of not being in WI, I stumbled upon a park for those dedicated to those lost from the Holocaust. I listened to some stories, walked, and actually sat in my sadness. I needed that space: trees blooming, squirrels squirreling, my heart still beating. And then I cried. THAT is what grace is. The universe gave me that park (pictured) so I could grieve. I am beginning to understand that grief is both an individual and collective practice, an amazing takeaway:

Grace allows space for every flavor of life.

Grace comes from growing.

Colorado has given me a new space to experience growth. Work has been SO good for my heart and mind. I am collaborating with wonderful people. By working at a school, there is inherently always something to learn, from colleagues to students. I can learn and teach in the same day! In addition, I am creating a safe space in my office for people to learn and grow, such as using grounding techniques, like coffee, snacks, a button to press with encouraging statements, a plant, and a hug, if they’d like. As I continue to lean into my Intuitive side, I am trying to be an understanding resource at work. I am growing!

In addition, I have given space for a new relationship in my life. My new boyfriend and I respect and resonate with each other. We went to the Hot Springs together and took our time and somehow stayed there for over 4 hours. I felt SO at peace with my corner of the world. What a rejuvenating day. I am learning so much about myself through giving time and space to him. He’s giving me time and space, too, such as him seeing an old sanctuary in a new way by taking me (pictured: a nearby river from our adventure. The main photo of this post is somewhere en route to the Springs, between Denver and Fraser!)

I am also growing by finding new spaces for meditation and movement. My roommates and I have created a space dedicated to wellness, so now I lift every other day, in addition to my daily steps and ab routines. I’m finding my 5-minute morning meditations on gratitude have given me the gift of awareness, too. I am loved, I am cared for, I am enough. I have enough, too, which leads me to my last G of GRACE application:

I’m giving grace to my big goals of 2022.

I love routines because they set structure for the day, week, month, and year, and these often show up as goals for the year. In 2022, I set 9 “to do” goals and 3 “stop doing” goals, and I’m pleased to share some progress. Here’s my 2022 goals. I am delighted with myself: I am okay with some goals not being complete yet. I am a work in progress, thank you very much.

I’m giving a lot of time and grace to book writing, a key LIFE (not just 2022!) goal. My boyfriend received a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing and showed me a few ways to link scenes together to form a narrative. I often write notes and outlines before technical/blog writing but have preferred storyboarding for videography and fiction in the past, so it’s been fun applying an outline technique to fiction. My 2022 goal is to publish a book, and I am happy to share that the message is there, and some scenes are in the works! (Yes, I am still writing my Opportunity Cost journal and am still interviewing people about that, so feel free to comment to get in touch about the book.)

I am also working on my “don’t do” goals, and I am proud to share that I am isolating less and aiming for an abundance mindset. CO has been so fruitful for me, from having roommates who are friends so we can occasionally carpool, to new experiences that have led to my new relationship, side hustles, and these very GRACE posts. I am so grateful to be here, in this new state, physically and mentally. What or who are you grateful for? (And it’s okay if the answer is someone or something you’ve removed!)

In this first month of exploring grace, I have learned that it looks differently on everyone, and many definitions of grace exist. I am the sum of all these emotions and experiences, so it’s natural to keep learning what grace means. How are you giving yourself grace to live, be, and feel? Let me know with a comment. See you March 1st for Womyn in Progress or March 10th for more grace content. Be well!