It’s May 20th: hail has shifted to snow. My space heater whirs to life. (I wore a dress and sandals yesterday.) I’ve been writing letters, sipping elderberry tea all night. None of these are quite like my picture of Colorado when I considered moving here a year ago. And yet. It’s been an evening of grace and gratitude.
Since my breakup, I’ve had ample time to myself. To really lean into my wants, self-talk, work. And sometimes, the product of this alone time is healthy: I often enjoy being alone. Yet I also feel isolated.
Not sure if you know this, but Colorado is a big place, y’all.
Denver is one of the most rapidly changing cities in the country. Some are leaving, in favor of nearby Boulder or out of state. But many are moving in, resulting in a new area code and an additional congressional seat. And you know, a ton of people and possibility.
In my self-talk, I am giving mental-emotional space to this physical space of Colorado.
Moving here took guts and grace.
My new state is not just stretches of mountains as Insta makes it out to be. Sometimes, it’s stretches of road… where a 30-minute commute is average. Do I miss Wisconsin, where walking 30 minutes got me to my destination? Perhaps. But that was comfortable.
When I moved here, I only knew my roommates. Kinda like college, where I (barely) knew one person going in. While I can’t say I’ve made buckets of friends here, I am grateful for those who have entered and kindled relationships. Even if one is now an ex-boyfriend, we’re still friends.
At work, I’ve met many amazing people, too. I am grateful to work for an organization that shares many of my values. Courage. Curiosity. Collaboration. Kindness. Belonging. How cool is that? I AM brave for working for a school with an incredible legacy. It is a courageous thing to do to present new ideas (like today’s new designs!) with this history, legacy, and pedagogy in mind. Recognizing that I am surrounded by many inspiring people, I am trying to truly listen, take influence from these folks, and keep learning.
Grace shows up in both comfortable and curious times.
I’m grateful to pizza with Magdalena and then a few days later, with Colby. It’s comforting to know a good meal and talk can resolve worry, for a moment. Especially when cheese is involved. It’s an old comfort, my fave food as a child.
Sometimes I return to old sources of grace. I’ve been praying for direction, kindness, joy. I’ve also returned to podcasting while running, gently reminding me I can do hard things. The pod removes other stimuli, quickening my pace. I stop focusing on others and pay attention to my run, my space, my shifting body, my transition from run to jog and back again.
When I start paying attention, grace shows up. This week, The Colorado Sound played some of my faves all in the same set: Craig Finn, Avett Brothers, and The National. Or my best friends just planned a trip to visit me, even locking in the Airbnb while I was at a meeting.
As I learn more about myself, it’s getting easier to recognize when grace shows up. I want to keep showing up for myself, too, so that I can be the most honest, real, and present Kaylie I can be (even if that Kaylie isn’t always climbing mountains).
How can you show up in grace? How has it showed up for you?