I’m not much of a procrastinator, but I have learned a lot about myself in the last couple of days, so I apologize for the delay in blogging. No excuses. Instead, here’s some life updates, tossed in with some lessons about myself.
I crave time.
I measure A LOT. I do things by time: Runs, sleep, assignments, any routine. While my brain moves fast, I still give my body ample time to do things (even if it looks like I’m constantly going). For example, I’ll be MOVING a few states away to start a new job, but I gave myself a few weeks to get myself settled. I didn’t want to rush into the new space. This time to cleanse the old space and find new spaces is a gift.
I’ve also learned that being an adult is hard, partially because there’s certain have-tos that come with the territory. Even though I’ve lived in other places, I’ve never done an address change like this. Letting people know I’m leaving means there’s a lot of people to tell, and do I say it gently? Or be pragmatic and professional? And letting work, friends “in real life”, friends on Facebook, family, pantry volunteers, my ex, and church know? Oof. You realize how many people you have or don’t have anymore! It’s amazing. Ultimately? For those I’m close to, I’ve tried to get on their level, recognizing the emotions, and meeting them in-person as much as possible.
I believe feelings linger longer than identities and relationships.
I’d like to say I’ve left a mark on people, places here. And there’s other work I do for my family that is deeply personal, but it has shown me that the only thing we can truly hold on to is FEELING. Absolutely not stuff (good thing I’ve been practicing minimalism for the last 2.5 years). Humans cannot hold onto places, because those change. I’ve written about this before, but I also think we cannot hold onto identities either, whether it’s an attachment to another person or to a place. Jobs come and go. So do people.
As a result, I’m learned I am hyper-sensitive to feeling. That can look like I beat my own drum sometimes if I feel not fulfilled. Amazingly, it is other people who bring out the feeler in me. That’s a trait of the INFJ, I think. Friends (and even folks I didn’t know, say Uber drivers pre-Covid) depend on me to be this objective yet subjective person, as a check-in for how stuff feels. I see the humanity in it all. But I have to expose myself to others to really feel what they’re feeling. This compassion comes from hearing others’ stories DEEPLY. I don’t settle for small talk and instead show up by being there for them. So will I be letting people down when I leave? I can’t think like that.
I need to do a self-check.
I have to start thinking of myself first. That’s why I gave myself this time. And that means being more objective on stuff and getting rid of it. That means bringing back the routine: Virtually, I’m bringing weekly blogging on Sundays back; physically, I’m trying to go to bed at a decent time to get 7-8 hours again; intellectually, I’m going to take classes again and read before bed. I need to stimulate my brain because it is royally craving it, even after just a few days off work. Sure, my body’s working hard every day, but my brain needs to, as well.
And I think I just need to be more attune to myself. I have to feel the feelings about this major change. I am so excited and grateful for what’s ahead. I recognize there was a lot of physical work to get there, but now I am working on the emotional strength, too: I am so blessed to have had a full-time job for the last 6 years (including through Covid). So many people really cared for me here. There’s so much to discover in this next chapter. Thank you for being here.