Inner Compass: North, Ninety Percent Principle, and Nature/Nurture

When I set “inner compass” for my word for the year, I knew I’d struggle with the 2 redundant letters within this 12-letter phrase. And so I’ve been chewing on this second N since I published the first N a month ago, here, on navigation, networks, and non-negotiables. Within these few weeks, I’ve tried giving myself grace and saw some parallels (read: redundancies) from February to March.

Since I’m framing 2023’s “word for the year” posts through discoveries and answers, I am actively trying to not tell stories. I don’t want to moralize, gloss over, or romanticize my life. And while I’ve found some takeaways, what’s more important is the trying. Publishing/finishing a post, seeing its process from draft to done, and making progress (outside of these pixels) are much more satisfying and successful endeavors than anything feeling or being “perfect.” (Has anyone coined, ‘published over perfect’?) This leads to my first N of today’s inner compass post: my ninety percent principle.

Quantifying success looks like giving ninety percent or more and being satisfied with completion over “perfection”.

Perfectionism runs deep yet I cognitively understand this is a nearly impossible task. Because “perfect” is highly subjective, it is next to impossible in both professional and personal spheres. First, no one is completely happy 100% of the time, and “perfect happiness” is an illusion. Aiming to make my boss, myself, my family, or anyone else happy with my work/worth has led me to feel a lot of shame and anxiety in the past. “Enoughness” is painful because it also results in catastrophic thinking, “I’ll never be good (or other adjective) enough.” I’m learning to be okay with my “perfect imperfections” but it’s a lot of unlearning. Second, it is against my independent nature to fully rely on a single person/project to fill my cup. A variety of relationships, roles, and responsibilities keep my life interesting, with each day fascinating and a chance to learn, and my identity and values rest in good people, good work, and good times. Third, and perhaps most importantly, “perfect” doesn’t exist after school. Granted, I usually received As in school, but I seldom think back to the A minuses that prevented a “perfect” 4.0. So why do we (creatives, womxn, western workers) strive so much for it? Is there a way to get good work done and still feel like a person once it’s done? Enter: the ninety percent principle.

I have learned to aim for 100% but accept 90% or higher, thus preserving and protecting my energy.

90% or higher, sometimes feels better than 100%. It’s conservation of energy by allowing room for growth, or grace, and is still pretty dang good (an A or A-, if you’re still following the school system). In addition, the 90% principle reframes the work, honoring that there are WORKERS doing the thing. They are human beings; one of my mantras is, “I am human.” Setting an internal expectation, I strive for 100% in almost everything I do. But I am still a person and will make mistakes. That’s part of learning. And so I have to ask myself, can I be “okay” with 90%? Aim for 100% but expect (and accept) 90%. Seems fair, right? And it gives room for changes or collaborations, too.

For example of an internal 90% expectation, one of my annual goals is to continue swapping to vegan, sustainable, and local wares and goods. While I live with 3 other people, 2 of whom are vegan, I am giving myself time to transition to veganism. Right now, that looks like eating vegan 85-90% every week. Yogurt or fish are my go-tos if I’m feeling low on protein or want a sweet treat, such as an Italian budino (bread pudding, this one with peaches) for my Grandma’s birthday. Having animal products once or twice a week still is progress, compared to last year, and I’ll eventually go completely vegan. But by labeling ninety percent a success, I feel good about my choices. This process is more sustainable than quickly becoming vegan. Moderating versus 100% omission is possible (says the gal writing Omit to Commit). Mediums exist!

So too is there middle-ground for boundaries and expectations, even for work! Hello, I’m Kaylie, and I’m a workaholic. Lately, I’ve aimed for a 9 hour workday, in the hope of leaving by 4:30pm every day beyond the newsletter. If I stay late once every 2 weeks, for helping with this bimonthly publication, I protect my personal time and conserve my energy. And follow the 90% principle, too. While 9 hours/day is the goal, it hasn’t happened much of March, due in part to a big, exciting project where I’ve found flow (and longer workdays). But I am consciously working to find a balance. So too am I learning where boundaries and expectations are for weekend and night work. Agency can mean respecting my time, and it is something I’m striving for. Working on work, no?

People-pleasing is my modus operandi, and so I expect the best from myself, especially when I’m working with a team. Therefore, the 90% principle is a little more difficult when others are involved. Collaborations are important, and sharing expectations from the start is a courageous endeavor. Asking what’s expected is important, and so I am learning some questions: what does 100% look like? What are the goals? What are my specific roles? Are there multiple steps/stages, and are additional people involved? And when? I’d rather be done with my responsibilities and then pass the baton, than be idle over the last 10% (or 2% or 7%). But I also recognize that good work, especially with others, takes time.

Acknowledging one’s nature AND nurture can be conduits to fulfillment. Or otherwise.

My “inner compass” helps me recognize my independent nature, and it’s my impulse to do things alone. I discussed this at length here, on January 10th for my first word for the year post. Two months later, I’m still using a mantra that reminds me, “I have people. I don’t have to be an island.” Two things are true: I am learning so much about this Big Life Thing by myself, but I am not alone. “I have people, and people have me” is something I blogged on YEARS ago, and it still resonates.

Yet I wonder, how much of my behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are based on neural pathways, AKA my biology (nature) versus my environments (nurture)? Psychologists generally agree personality is a combination of nature and nurture, and so I’ve been exploring how I feel and react to differences in environments. Exposing myself to novelty (as I wrote about here, in February 2023’s goals report) is important as I value bravery and creativity. New people and places can be exciting. But getting more comfortable by feeling like I belong within my routine environments is important, too. Belonging to groups/associations helps me feel wanted and welcome, and I also feel a kinship with my fellow Saturday morning library people. I actively try to create and foster a sense of belonging at work, too, such as continuing to coach Girls on the Run every semester.

Occasionally, nearly two years into Colorado, I feel like an outsider. There is a pride of “Colorado native” throughout the state, and so I’ve tried to make friends, regardless of home-state and where they work/play/rest. Actively trying to find friends is hard. Sometimes I find (re)connections on social media easier. One way to keep the relational momentum going is through Womxn in Progress. I’m thinking of changing this project from social and blog posts into a podcast. If you’d like to be featured, reach out!

My nature is to focus on the positive, and that might be the people-pleaser in me. Virtual/social environments are just as important as physical in this modern world (writes the marketer). But it’s true, especially as my friends and family are across the country/world. I’ve been careful to delete or block triggering profiles, such as content-farmers while also giving space for some of my own content, such as Womxn in Progress and Omit to Commit. But I am letting folks know about my writing more, via social, and that is exciting and terrifying.

My North Star guides me to thinking bigger and beyond than what’s right in front of me.

“North” implies multiple directions, including looking up and around, not simply the three feet in front of me. That’s guided much of 2023 so far. Spirituality means believing: believing in people, the beyond/God, myself. I’ve found there is SO MUCH MORE to problems and pain (including even more roughage) than initial hurts; there is a ton of joy when vulnerability allows truly feeling the feelings; and there is hope and support when I start expressing needs. I am so grateful to have found a sense of agency in making a variety of relationships and resources, and these people and places guide me.

My north star also allows for feeling and thinking big. And dreaming, too. While so many Big Life Things have been outside of my control, I remain realistic and optimistic. One key way I stay both grounded and hopeful is to have big and small items to look forward to. Planning reminds me that I’ll eventually get through this funk. Often plans involve other people. Even a catchup call, routine or otherwise, helps me see beyond. Some of these convos are deep, others are focused on the right here, right now.

Much has saddened and disappointed me this year, but I still have hope because I have the means, relationships, and resources to do so much. And this work often starts with me! This looks like acknowledging my feelings do in fact matter, and so the result of that is building bridges and boundaries, depending on the relationship. My north star is shining a light on what relationships to focus on: fellow creatives, my roommates, and the one with myself. Little by little, I’m letting people in. Compassionate to my core, I must also recognize how other people’s energies affect me. That being a helper actually isn’t all that helpful if I can’t help myself. Feeling the feelings, I am currently tired and frustrated, but I’m also looking ahead.

For example, my north star is guiding the next year or so’s direction. Discovering ways to use my gifts has been such a joy. For example, in the next couple of years, I’m considering another degree (for information science, economics, health psychology, communication, or something else). Public media has always been a dream career, whether that’s r&d, production, or another capacity. And so one way I’m applying my media skills in a new way while honoring my public media dreams is by turning Womxn in Progress into a podcast. Last, in the next couple years, I think I’ll have a finished Omit to Commit book/draft. All these projects make me delighted and even surprised by my works and words and how I have found avenues to express them.

It is no coincidence that young Kaylie wanted to be a published author and that I later considered, and still ponder, public media. And now, slightly older Kaylie is working for her, as well as my future (and for all the dreamers out there!) For these universal gifts of hope, caring, and love, I am grateful. My north star points to an inclusive, creative future. Thank you, universe, for offering stars, beautiful reminders to keep looking up, searching around and beyond! By giving attention to what’s within each of us, life becomes more honest, thoughtful, and truthful. I hope you’re honoring your truths today. How are you using your gifts? What’s your 2023 story (so far)? Hope to hear from you soon!