Presence. Positioning. Peace. Play. Pain. Power. I have reclaimed so much of how I show up, especially as life will really start changing this month. And so there are many hopeful and honest Ps throughout this month’s study of Inner Compass.
An inner compass requires preparedness, while still being open-minded for other potentials.
Tomorrow is the first day of grad school classes! After a hustling orientation on Friday, I feel fairly prepared, but I recognize there are so many potential paths I could take. Having an inner compass requires some blend between preparedness and openness, and wanting both is probably a symptom of wanting to control everything. Anxiety can come from not knowing much. I’ll be in a new place, physically, intellectually, emotionally, interpersonally. Orientation helped with addressing some of that newness. I’ve met 11 people who are also taking Library/Information Science classes in-person. The cohort’s small but diverse, ideal for an introvert like me. Meeting professors and second- and third-year graduate students also showed me how much DU cares about personal relationships, revealing new faces and places as real people who believe the University is home. Members of the MLIS program and throughout the entire grad school categorized DU as “home”, so it is reassuring that this feeling stays across so many departments and degrees.
While I cognitively know I can’t control everything, especially since so much is new, I can control how I show up, hopefully showing my curious, open-minded (and open-hearted), and accessible self. Positioning myself, I know who I am as a person. But it has been almost a decade since I’ve been a student. “Real world” experience in the in-between has served me well. I applied to 2 roles at the same center, 1 in marketing (that I knew I’d land) and another in curations, and I focused on future goals and this latter position in the interview. I believe my honesty and goal-orientation helped me land the role, as it is closer to my aspirations! I’m hopeful to catalog and digitize materials for DU’s museum. Using data to build collections sounds incredible and engaging, so I have sincere gratitude that they’re taking a chance on a “non-traditional” student like me!
I also know myself, in the sense that it can be difficult for me to say, “no” because I want to be an active participant in my studies, in and outside the classroom. It’s one of the best ways for me to get to know an organization and position myself as intellectually stimulated. Especially when I’m a student, I want to glean and support as many resources as possible, and that can result in overextending myself. There are so many potential paths: From the Visual Media Center to Writing Center, maker spaces to libraries, they all use my skills while keep honing new ones. Gratefully, I am paying attention to myself (thank you, inner compass) and not taking on another role, as I am still marketing at the Montessori school, dog-sitting occasionally, will need time to study, cultivate relationships with my cohort, and have some sort of life outside of work and school.
During the summer, I tried to prepare myself with building some sustainable routines for that Life thing. From fun experiences like running regularly and making scheduled check-ins with my friends and family a priority, to the adult things like getting groceries (one of my least favorite things) and finding a church, these are normal things I do. But I’m not sure how much time I’ll have by myself as studies deepen. Essential Kaylie requires giving space to be alone. This transitional summer gifted time to run, play with pups, write, and read. Those are my favorite states of being, and they often bring a sense of peace. I don’t need a person for company, whether they’re a partner or friend. But I am grateful for blossoming, deepening friendships, here and away.
Having an inner compass recognizes when to pause.
Admittedly, when I’m on autopilot, my modal is to keep going with how things are. Routines not only provide a sense of structure, they are a form of control. Whether it’s controlling my presentation (such as regular workouts) or working on how my jobs fit into my life (such as switching to part-time at the school to make room for grad school and other gigs), routines shape the days, revealing capacity. So when I actually allow myself to pause and reflect, that’s when I truly process how I feel. Regardless of what I have and haven’t done. I am working on just sitting with myself to be present with the feelings. A big one is gratitude that school is really, truly starting! Sometimes I’m just shocked that I took the leap, finally. That’s resulted in so many blessings of people, scholarship, roles, and so much learning.
But another feeling that has come from the pausing is seeing how much I value my own company. While the breakup sucked, it has shown me that my independence helps me. But that can make a partnership difficult, at least when one is just starting. During those beginning months, actions really do speak louder than words, because there isn’t too much evidence of life lived together yet. While I genuinely believe (in) people, especially myself and partners, trust isn’t inherent. I trust me above all else. And while all those closest to me know I am a reliable, loyal, and honest person, relationships don’t have that closeness yet. And so something I’ve learned in this and other recent relationships is to be honest with expectations, feelings, and positioning myself as independent from the start. A relationship is a choice, after all.
As a result of this breakup, I started digging deeper into what I want and need out of all my relationships. I’m grateful it led me back to church, and many members have shown up through coffee, check-ins, maybe a bike, and hugs. Perhaps more importantly, bringing God into my life regularly is a kindling relationship. God’s presence in my life doesn’t have to be seen by me in order to exist. He is simply there. And acknowledging this change has highlighted how faith transitions. Sometimes it isn’t about me. Being open-hearted means seeing this as part of my faith walk. Even when I didn’t go to church, it was part of the journey, too. And so I have tried to be gentle, graceful, and quiet, pausing to see how these changes (and honestly, pains) will be used.
I have power here.
There are so many things I still wish to pursue, and after a conflicting and confusing summer, it is incredibly gratifying to have hope (and potential paths) again. It is a powerful feeling. Continual learning, whether it’s regular blog posting as I am now or more intense studies like grad school, is something I truly value. Being in a space dedicated to learning will allow me to keep growing as a person. Yes, it took me a long time to get here, but I am excited and grateful to be at such a position in life, to afford it (well, with help from a loan, scholarship, work study, and current positions), and to be open-minded and hearted for what’s ahead!
I have power in how I show up, what I say, how I learn, and what I do from here. That kind of agency will keep giving me direction. And now that it’s been a while, I can see that higher ed is what you make it. I am not alone, anymore. The cohort at school, roommates, church, and friends have reassured me I have power. And it’s on me to be an agent of change if something isn’t serving me. Do I share that I sometimes struggle with hearing? That my sight has caused migraines? That’s on me to decide.
Power doesn’t have to be loud, either. Sometimes it’s just the quiet voice of saying, “no.” That will make room for the good, challenging stuff. I know what I like and what my goals are. There is a quiet, introverted confidence there. Maybe even another p, purpose, too. Nerdy and caring, opinionated but open-minded, it’s time for me to listen to my inner compass and dive into this next chapter! How about you? Where is your power? How can you show up as your most authentic self today?