Review: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

I love a good personality test. As an INFJ, I struggle to find folks like me: self-described introverts who still want to help or be around people, and often do. So much so that practically everyone else around us thinks we’re extroverts. Apparently, we’re the rarest personality type. (And, if you’re curious, my type is Introverted – Intuitive – Feeling – Judging.) These initials are gifts from Myers-Briggs.

There are a load of differences in measuring personality, and it’s not uncommon to find comfort in personality tests, even if it is pop from Buzzfeed. The results can help us confirm our beliefs about ourselves, and other people, but they can box us in. The psychological definition of personality is the consistent thoughts and behaviors of an individual. So, finding consistency via tests sometimes results in “typing” ourselves.

So when I learnt of another personality test, by an author I admire, I was intrigued. Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies was birthed from observation and follows one simple idea: how do we respond to external and internal expectations?

Now, I applaud she’s focusing on one simple question. That means, she can create a good data set and really fine-tooth her research methods, right? Nah, man. I can’t tell. In the book, she samples stories from Facebook statuses, conversations with people she knows, and life on the road during tours for her other books. Ooookay, that’s all purely anecdotal.

Trends may exist, but that only sounds good. According to Rubin, most individuals (in what society, sample size, or research? She doesn’t say) are obligers, meeting external expectations but struggling with internal expectations. After that, questioners have the carefully worded “opposing” tendency. Rebels struggle with both internal and external expectations, but somehow, upholders meet ’em all.

In case you can’t tell by my light dusting of sarcasm, Rubin doesn’t follow any basic research methods. And in some sense, it’s understandable: she’s a law clerk turned writer. Though she’s been surrounded with intellectuals, this entire book feels very pseudo. In other words, there’s no actual research: every result is based on a quiz she wrote with trends provided by folks who knew what they were taking. In other words?

The entire book, theory, and personality typing is based on confirmation bias.

You’d think, then, that the results would be consistent, for each individual taking the test and for any trends. Nope. On her quiz, she suggests that there’s crossover potential for everyone besides upholders-rebels (which honestly does make sense because the former meets all expectations and the rebels reject all expectations) and obligers-questioners.

And that’s where I got stuck. Since the personality quiz is in chapter two of the book, I realized the book’s problem with reliability and validity after pouring over the rest of its 200 pages, even taking question mark-riddled notes to understand why I didn’t belong to Rubin’s system.

According to Rubin, obligers meet external expectations but struggle with internal. Questioners, by contrast, meet internal expectations but must customize and/or analyze external expectations to do… something. Well, after initially taking the quiz while chronologically reading, I went back to take it a second time. This was only after I finished the book, made a list of both kinds of expectations and my follow-through, and asked a few friends to take the quiz for themselves. Both times I took the quiz, I received a hearty mix of obliger and questioner, the lean dependent on the day.

Yet Rubin suggests these two paths cannot intersect. I began thinking about what I value and what I hope to accomplish, leading to an extensive list of expectations. And sometimes, those expectations are contradictory: I like my weirdo self. I want to do good work for people, but I ultimately aim to do that by working for myself. I want to live my values, and this website is an extension of that! I give Rubin props for exposing some vulnerability, but that’s not really her aim here.

Second, the path to meet or reject an expectation isn’t always linear. Whatever tendency you are, internalizing external demands and making internal expectations known can help, but it’s up to each person to realize their truest motivations. Perhaps the framework of meeting or rejecting an expectation is an endgame. But there’s also that pesky procrastination or changing of opinions.

Rubin firmly believes a person’s tendency doesn’t change, and I don’t think that’s true at all. Our habits can shape our behaviors, and our motivations may change as life changes. Expectations are a good source of motivation, but they’re not the only variable. She never mentioned motivation tips and skirted around the topic. This could be because she’s a self-described upholder and therefore meets both external and internal demands. Her tendency, combined with a lack of sound research, results in minimal insight on motivation itself. I’d like to know who or what motivates her since her art (writing) produces best sellers.

As an artist, I know my intrinsic motivation to produce for the sake of it matters so much more than the extrinsic reward. Finding a balance between money and meaningfulness by producing is the ultimate challenge, and that motivates me. But both external and internal expectations matter. So then, what would Rubin say to me if I told her there are all sorts of expectations for artists, some of which don’t make any sense? I’m no starving artist. I believe my job in marketing, my services on this website, and even the ability to create freely are privileges in a free country.

My expectations to make art and money aren’t always clearly externally or internally driven. Can’t they be both?

And why didn’t she bring up the contradictory expectations for women? Be smart, but only in certain situations. Be pretty, but not gorgeous. Be yourself, unless I don’t like you. There are countless challenges for women to be and do all the things.

If I don’t know the source of an expectation, it’s especially hard for this obliger-questioner to understand. I internalize a lot of stimuli and try to live a values-driven life. But there are still so many expectations, regardless of what I want.

So what can I take away from Rubin’s book? Since she failed to provide any research or next steps for how to deal with expectations, she played it safe and discussed maintaining habits. Obviously, I love a good system to maintain a habit, as evident by this website. But her habit suggestions fall flat. Get an accountabilibuddy? Check. Make a self or social challenge to do X? Check. How novel.

I’m mightily disappointed by this one, and not just because I don’t “belong” in any tendency. One star.