2020 so far – Surrendering smaller habits for bigger goals

Alternative title: the struggle of saying, “no.” I am terrible at saying this. Even writing these first couple of sentences feels vulnerable. I know I am not alone in this battle: if I say, “yes” to every given opportunity, I show I am capable, reliable, and oh yeah, well-liked (or at least considered). Is always responding with the affirmative more externally or internally driven? Am I motivated by how I think people will perceive me after the fact?

In reality, when I say, “yes” to something, I have to see the opportunity cost: will I be giving up on something else? Even if that something else is an intangible, like a piece of my identity? Will I gain or lose ownership of a project if I say, “yes”? Will I not give 100% to something else as a result? Or will I exhaust myself silly? Usually, this last question is a resounding YES! Here’s just a few consequences of my “yes-woman” mentality:

• Doing all of the things resulted in thinking 3 hours of sleep during college was enough
• It’s why I still worked on the yearbook after graduating early from said college… that was fun
• It’s probably the #1 reason why my resume is chock-full of titles, service-based and otherwise

It’s why writing this article is so dang hard. Because I have been working on loosing my grip on former identities, I now have have come to realize that MY full person, my time, and my habits are my own. How I structure my day and view myself at each day’s end is my responsibility.

Here’s a couple examples of what I’m physically giving up on or adjusting in 2020, paired with how I am emotionally re-framing.

I’m giving up on convenient consumption. Re-framed: I take care of my needs.

It started in mid-2019: I was at a certain coffee shoppe that’s known for costing (ahem) about five bucks a cup. A fan of dark roast with neither cream nor sugar, my order there costs upwards of $2.50, instead of $2 at most places. My boyfriend’s? About $4. When the baristas messed up both of our orders again, including burning my black coffee and overly creaming the dude’s cold brew, I decided I was done, and thus began $trike on $t@rbuck$ or SOS.

It’s been a few months, and I am still savoring the side effects of SOS. It’s a matter of giving up on what’s easy or convenient, more than the brand. Just because there’s a ‘bucks every other block, doesn’t mean I need a cup. Just because I’m tired doesn’t mean caffeine is the solution. I now explore other coffee shoppes, and I’m lucky to have local brews throughout the neighborhood, with baristas who know my name and my order.

I’ve also applied this approach to my goal to eat a salad/day, which began the day after Thanksgiving. If eating healthy is something I truly care about, I’ll make it happen, even if it’s inconvenient. Conversely, I’m also giving up on NO refined carbs during Lent – if there’s a celebration, I’m considering being a part of it to actually enjoy the event.

I’m giving up on being anti-social media. Re-framed: I keep up with my friends.

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through any given social platform and consider sending a message… but something stops you? Maybe it’s fear: this person is your Facebook friend, who likes you and all, but only to a limit. Maybe it’s the physical distance. You and your friend are years, miles, or both, apart. Whatever it is, I’ve been there. But life is too short to simply “like” everyone.

So, I’ve been reaching out to people. And the aftermath? Amazing! My friend Allie’s a teacher who craves a Zumba companion. My friend Kaitlyn is states away, but a life talk via video closes the gap. Even my friendship with Andrea of Field Day Nature rekindled because of Instagram. And Facebook brought my lifelong friend, Marissa, and I back together.

It’s up to me to stay connected to these fine folks. I can’t wait for something to happen in my various social circles. And if I never post, these people probably won’t re-connect with me. So, the output is closer friendships, joyfully bringing back #womancrushwednesday to my Facebook feed, and loosening my jaded view of social media for personal use. Ultimately? It reminds me of a core identity: I am loyal to my people, and I care for them. (The same thing applies to my professional connections, too, which is absolutely a work in progress.)

I’m giving up on service without reflection. Re-framed: I can’t forget to feel good, not simply do good.

I got this idea from my colleague, Cheryl. She and I were talking about my need to structure. I sometimes overly commit to each day to feel like I’ve done something. Maybe because I need to feel like I’ve contributed. Maybe because I don’t know what “enough” is. Maybe because, like my gal pal Marissa says, I have a bigger capacity of what I want to do and then do in each day. And as a result, I seldom get bored.

Whatever the reason(s), I’ve been very busy with my goals, but I need to start reflecting again. I need to not simply go-go-go as I’m used to. A sensitive introvert to my core, introspection, often done through writing and running, is my way of using a physical act to emotionally process. Today’s writing was necessary. I need to give myself time, too.

And this applies to so many aspects of life. I can’t simply serve because it’s what I do, I need to reflect. And giving myself that time feels good. And if I miss a day of service or day at the gym? I don’t give up on the goal. I haven’t failed. I do something else to either emotionally or physically make it up OR recognize that it’s okay to not do all of the things, all of the time. Even those things that I’ve planned.

So, what am I adjusting in 2020? Well, I still value my “gym-rat” identity, but I can be okay with joining Allie for Zumba or a hike, instead of the grind. I can still be committed to the food pantry, just not every other week as I did for so long. I need to be okay with “chill” time and learn “nevermind” is okay to say, once and a while.

Over to you. What are you re-framing in 2020? Are you changing up your habits? Has your sense of self and accomplishment shifted? Let me know in the comments!