Is stillness possible during craziness?

Happy Sunday and a joyful Easter to all who celebrate! It’s week 4 of Corona Diaries. Every Sunday, I’ve been writing about building habits and regaining practices. Check out my past posts here, with inspiration like kickboxing in the living room to finding ways to help others. I’ve been busy, and overall, I’ve been using this time to stay productive.

Again and again, people ask me, what are you doing to stay sane? It seems like a lighthearted question, and under normal circumstances, my answer would be that by practicing habits and making routines, I’m working for bigger values. But honestly? Now that I’m self-isolating, I need to be more intentional on recording my habits and taking breaks. What I’m talking about? After I do something, I need to let myself do something else. Sit still.

I am terrible at sitting still, despite my introversion. I read more than I talk (and often write reviews, instead of discuss them). I work throughout the state, but my boss and I are a team of 2. I have a lot of friends but do best in groups less than 5. In fact, 1:1 or 1:2 is ideal. And I exercise alone, eat a meal by myself or with my boyfriend, and do most of life by myself. But giving time to myself for “nothing”? Behold, this is the issue:

I think alone time, doing nothing, is unproductive.

I want to be going, I want to be calming my constantly racing mind. And you’d think lowering feedback would help my brain take a break. When in reality, the lack of stimuli makes my brain hungrier: I should be doing something intelligent, useful. I should be blogging, editing, cleaning.

So instead of sitting, I’m putting leftovers away instead of watching what’s on the screen, and I miss the joke. And because I’m doing 2 things at once, BBQ sauce lands all over my clothes, instead of the fridge.

Or my desire to finish yet another book results in missing the doggo’s goofy smile, his eyes full of childlike love. Or I’m taking a walk, with my homemade mask on, and feel I need to also be talking on the phone or video chatting. Instead of letting my brain wander, meditate.

I fear I’m not doing enough.

I know time is precious, it’s the biggest gift. And yet I have this fear – not that I’m missing out on anything – that I’m not doing enough. And I don’t know how that could be true: I’m so glad to be working full-time. I’m still volunteering by editing (comment if you need help with a resume or paper). In fact, each weekday, I work, work out, and declutter. The weekends are my chance to create, read, and do chores. I am focused when I’m following these routines, after all. But maybe it’s too much focus on action, instead of introspection.

Perhaps it’s that my inbox is full of go-go-go people like me who say this is the time for building new habits. Maybe it’s that my Facebook friends are having babies, and I’d rather stick to loving on the furbaby, thank you. Or it could be that Easter is here, and instead of letting myself have endless jelly beans and spending time with my family, everyone’s isolating, and I’m having whatever’s left from that accidental spill of BBQ.

And I love these people, my friends who are now moms, these influencers who truly inspire me, and my family who are a video chat away. They’re all living their best lives, or so it seems, digitally. And I am happy for them.

Why am I comparing myself to others, instead of working on myself?

This comparison, myself with these people, needs to stop: each person is trying. I don’t know what they’re going through, if I’m taking each digital interaction as face-value. And I know email and social media are really one dimensional compared to real life.

I need to give myself time, even just a few minutes, completely void of pixels. Maybe then I can start meditating. Perhaps that’s the point of this crazy time. That instead of finishing another book, doing yet another workout, or decluttering, I can sit and be okay with progress, instead of perfection. Maybe my idea of constantly going comes from a place I haven’t discovered yet.

Maybe there’s a lesson here, for all of us. Stillness takes solitude, and that can be a gift. That even though so many people are alone right now, that once this situation is over, the world will be better. We’ll realize how much we need each other, from healthcare workers to influencers. Because Corona, and the craziness and isolation it inculcated, is shared by so many.

So, I ask you, since everyone’s “alone together”, how are you using this time? Have you given yourself time to mediate what it means for you, the world? How have your reactions changed? I hope you are well. Let me know with a comment.